Let’s Play… talk to a human

Phone: Ring! Ring! Ring! >Click<

Me: Hello?

Phone: Hello, you’ve reached A Very Big And Important Corporation, where biggest is more than big, it’s best.

Me: Oh, joy, I’m talking to a machine, again…

Phone: Our offices are normally open weekdays from nine in the morning until five in the evening. If you are calling outside these times, our Urgent Support Department can be reached on the super-duper-premium-rate number 555-1234.

Me: … a machine that can’t be programmed to know what time it is? Wow. Cutting-edge stuff.

Phone: A lot of questions are answered on our website at double-you double-you double-you dot AVBAIC dot com.

Me: Yes, I’ve looked on your crap website and the question I have wasn’t answered there, that’s why I’m phoning.

Phone: Press One for this, Two for that, Three for the other, Four for something else, and Zero to hear these options again.

Me: None of those seem relevant. Where’s the ‘talk to someone’ option? OK, let’s try ‘1’. (Pressing ‘1’).

Phone: Press One for the inapplicable option, Two for the inappropriate one, Three for the unrelated one, or Zero to return to the Main Menu.

Me: *sigh* (Pressing ‘0’).

Phone: Press One for this, Two for that, Three for the other, Four for something else, and Zero to hear these options again.

Me: (Stabbing ‘2’).

Phone: Press One for the first choice, Two for the second one, Three to talk to someone in a department that has no bearing on your problem, or Zero to return to the Main Menu.

Me: Aha! (Pressing ‘3’).

Phone: Please wait while we connect you… (muzak chosen for its proven ability to soothe. I quite like this tune.)

Me: tum-te-tum…

Phone: I’m sorry, we are experiencing an unusually high number of calls at present. You are in a queue and your call will be answered as soon possible. (Cuts back into the same soothing muzak, having missed the best bit of it.)

Me: (looking at watch) ‘unusually high number of calls’ my arse, what you’re really saying is that you have a very low number of real people actually answering the phones.

Phone: I’m sorry, all of our operators are currently engaged on another call. Please continue to wait and we will answer as soon as we can. (More muzak)

Me: ALL of your operators are engaged on ONE call? Blimey, must be an Earth-shattering problem that caller has.

Phone: Your call is very important to us. Please continue to hold, as we get a kickback from your telecommunications provider. We’re very grateful for your continued support of A Very Big And Important Corporation. (Soothing muzak again, but this one, I don’t like.)

Me: hmmm…

Phone: While you are waiting, please remember that A Very Big And Important Corporation supplies this and that, as well as the other. Full details can be found on our website, assuming, that is, that the Massively Unwieldy And Whizz-Bang-Flash-Centric Web Design Department has got around to actually putting some up-to-date useful information online. In reality, if you do visit our website you will probably find that it is very pretty but entirely out of date, and completely lacking the information you seek. (Lullaby muzak)

Me: ZZZZzzzzzz…

Phone: Once again we would like to assure you that your call is of the utmost importa- hello?

Me: Huh? What?

Phone: Hello? Anyone there? >Click< brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr