An apology (and probably too much information)

I’m really sorry if this is TMI

My nonagenarian Mum passed away last month. She did so on my birthday, guaranteeing that I’ll never, ever be able to forget her (not that I ever could, nor want to, anyway). I figure her choice of departure date into The Great Adventure was her revenge for all the arguments she lost.

Dr McCoy (after Kirk tells him that Spock has embedded his Katra within him): “That green-blooded son of a bitch. It’s his revenge for all the arguments he lost.”

For the last few weeks I’ve been pretty much cobbling together posts to maintain the illusion that all is well Chez Wibble. The truth, however, is rather different. As those of you who have been kind enough to comment on my recent wiblettes may have noticed, I’ve not been responding as I would normally. And I have not read any of your recent posts, nor have I responded to the several reports submitted by fellow ?Random Raiders!. I’m sorry for all of that, but I hope you’ll understand, as I’ve had rather a lot on my plate. And the meal’s not over yet.

In retrospect, it would perhaps have been better to have taken a leaf out of Esme’s book and set each post in advance to moderate all comments until I had time to attend to them. Doing so, however, would have required a degree of forethought and preparation that has been evading me of late; my thoughts have been scattering like leaves in a gale.

I’m finding ‘post-mum life’ really, really strange. For years, I’ve been convinced that I would, in her stubbornness to deny her own God’s allotment of ‘three score years and ten’, be trapped here looking after her until I was driven totally, completely and utterly insane (and then, in all likelihood, be carted off to the funny farm). At times, I even thought she might outlive me. Now that she has shuffled off the mortal coil, gone to join the bleeding choir invisibule and is pushing up the daisies, I am, at last, finally free. And pondering what to do without having to constantly consider Mum is not something I’ve spent any time doing. At all. It’s an intensely odd feeling. I feel a little like Howard Wolowitz from the Big Bang Theory, as he prepares himself mentally for his trip to the International Space Station…

The Big Bang Theory – Howard goes to space

I hope to be able to resume normality soon. Perhaps I may have managed that by then, although it currently seems unlikely as that will entail determining what my ‘new normal’ actually looks like, and I’m still wrestling that into focus.

So, I thank you for your recent visits, likes and comments. I hope you’re well. Stay safe, and speak soon.

Best wishes,
peNdantry

About peNdantry

Phlyarologist (part-time) and pendant. Campaigner for action against anthropogenic global warming (AGW) and injustice in all its forms. Humanist, atheist, notoftenpist. Wannabe poet, writer and astronaut.
This entry was posted in ... wait, what?, balance, Communication and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

43 Responses to An apology (and probably too much information)

  1. So sorry for your loss and as such, could not bring myself to ‘liking’ this post. May you find peace and comfort in the days ahead. Sending digital thoughts your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Tom says:

    Sorry for your loss, peNdantry, it’s a huge adjustment to get used to. Just keep on keeping on, and you’ll be fine; it’s a thing I keep telling myself.
    No worries about blogging either, you’ll get back to it when you’re ready.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Rick says:

    By a staggering coincidence, my nono Mum passed away on exactly the same day! And I’ve been feeling really really odd too bro, ah what a giveaway, where’s that delete button …

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am sorry for your loss. Take care. Incidentally, my mum turned 90 a few months ago.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m very sorry for your loss. Sending healing energy to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Yea, I know all too well how that goes. I hope you find some stable footing soon enough.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. owlbug says:

    Sorry to hear of your mom’s passing. I bet her next adventure will be great, and if you suddenly have more unreserved time, I hope introspection guides your days with contentment.

    Have you watched The Good Place? It is a pretty fun show that explores the afterlife.

    Liked by 1 person

    • peNdantry says:

      Thanks for your considerate words, owlbug.

      I did watch the very first episode of The Good Place when it launched. It didn’t enthrall me so I didn’t persevere, though I’m well aware that things can sometimes take a while to find their feet.

      Like

  8. Take care my friend 🖤🖤🖤

    Liked by 1 person

  9. jilldennison says:

    Awwwww … I’m so sorry about your mum. When a large part of our life suddenly leaves, the entire dynamic changes and it takes a while to get the routine back, to get used to the “new normal”. Hang in, my friend. We miss you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • peNdantry says:

      Thanks, Jill – and thanks too for reblogging that post of mine a short while ago. I did notice, but I have little time at the moment for blog-related activities. (It’s Good Friday today, a bank holiday here in the UK, so: no work, time for a little play.)

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Anita Bowden says:

    I’m so sorry about your mother’s passing, peNdantry. Loosing a mother is a deep loss, and affects you in ways that you might not have anticipated. Take all the time you need to mourn and to come to terms with her loss. I’ve been there, and I know that it takes time, and that your life is forever changed. Wishing you peace….. <3

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Hetty Eliot says:

    I second and third everyone’s condolences.. There are some things which are especially complicated to sort through, and this is one of them. Hope you find peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Herb says:

    I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. These things are never easy.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. So sorry for your loss I wish you the best
    ;;
    ;;
    ;;
    Life is tough, Laugh anyway

    Liked by 1 person

  14. revruss1220 says:

    Colin; First of all, I am replying in this fashion because for some reason, WordPress will not allow me to reply on the site of your post. VERY annoying!!

    Secondly, I am so sorry to hear about your mother’s death. It is hard losing a parent. Especially one you have come to cherish as much as you seem to cherish your mum. My only advice on navigating all the twists and turns of the grief journey is to lean into the moments that remind you of her. Don’t shy away, thinking, “That’s going to make me sad if I dwell on it.” Those are actually the moments that will bring you the most comfort.

    You are doing well to start by “putting it all out there” for the blogosphere to see. I believe in the healing power of full transparency.

    Blessing to you today and for the time ahead;

    – Russell B. (https://www.russellingsofthespirit.com)

    Liked by 1 person

    • peNdantry says:

      Thanks, Russell, your advice is much appreciated.

      PS concerning “… WordPress will not allow me to reply on the site of your post” – I really don’t understand that, since your comment here seems perfectly well placed…?

      Like

  15. pennross says:

    I’ve been caregiving my mom for the past 15 years. She’ll turn 100 this Friday. I have all those same emotions. She’s been acting the petulant child for the past 8 years. It’s exhausting. I’ve had to do some serious psychology on myself to get into the role of caregiver. I’ll be so very relieved (free as you said) when she dies and at the same time morn her passing terribly.
    Sorry for your loss.

    Liked by 1 person

    • peNdantry says:

      I hope that your mother had a wonderful birthday! (‘… this Friday’… was that All Fools’ Day? If so, what a great day for a birthday!)

      You have my heartfelt sympathy for the situation you’re in. It’s quite the dilemma.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Ju-Lyn says:

    So sorry for your loss, Colin. Thinking of you specially as you find your way to a semblance of normality.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. You are welcome. She is in good health except for the beginning of dementia. Thank you. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • peNdantry says:

      Dementia is a horrible affliction, not least because it has knock-on effects on those nearby who can only stand by impotently as someone they love slowly disappears. 🫂

      Like

  18. Forestwood says:

    It isn’t easy finding a new routine amidst huge life stage changes. Thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

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