Hello. Bonjour. ???, Salaam ??? ???. I’m from the Australien Government with a message for the world as we gather in Glasgow for this crucial Climate Summit: Fuck you.
Over the coming days, our Prime Marketer will be there trying to shake a lot of hands and saying a lot of “blah blah blah”, like, “We’re reducing emissions,” and, “Net Zero by 2050”. But, for those of you not fluent in Cuntonese, the official language of the Australien Government, what he’s saying is, “Fuck you; we’ll keep digging, burning, and exporting fossil fuels, let you do the hard work and then take all the credit.” Fich dich ins knie [get down on your knees].
We have lots of experience at this because that’s what we do back home, where we let the states and territories build renewables, subsidise EVs, and retire coal plants, while we obstruct renewables, shit-talk EVs and subsidise coal plants – and then take credit for reducing emissions. We even take credit when those reductions are due to policies the opposition introduced when it was in office: policies we scrapped, causing emissions to rise again.
Sometimes we even take credit for things nobody does, like carbon credits for not clearing land that wasn’t ever going to be cleared anyway.
If a tree isn’t cut down in a forest, does it make a sound? Why, yes: ‘cha-ching!’.
All that might sound like we do nothing, but we’re actually very busy: our ‘Environment Minister’ just opened three coal mines in a single month whilst appealing a court ruling that she has a duty of care towards children over climate change – and our Minister for Emission Reduction (yes, that’s really his title) is supporting massive new gas projects that’ll contribute a cubic shit-ton of emissions to the world, not meeting the Paris target: the equivalent of 46 more coal plants; that’s three more than the 43 new coal plants China’s planning to build.
We really are overachievers or, as you Italians might say, “Siamo dei gran stronzi” [“We are great assholes”]. What’s that? How can we be expanding fossil fuels now that we’ve announced ‘Net Zero by 2050’? Oh, sweetheart, we can, precisely because of ‘Net Zero by 2050’!
Does it come with a policy? Nope.
Is it binding? No.
Does it rely on technologies that work, or even fucking exist? Nah.
But does it distract from what we’re doing this decade? You betcha!And don’t think we’re the only ones: am I right, Norway? Nice huge gas exports you got there. Hey, Canada, America, loving that ‘Line 3’ pipeline you guys just expanded. UK? Nice new oil rigs you got ready to go there in the North Sea. Russia, baby, we see you doing fuck-all.
And to all the other governments attending, we know you want to punch us in the face for obstructing every COP since Kyoto. But, hey, as long as you keep buying our coal and gas exports, we know you secretly love us for it. Most Australians are profoundly ashamed of our climate shitfuckery, so don’t blame them. Well, except the dickheads who keep voting for us; for them, we reserve our biggest fuck-you of all, with our ‘Technology Not Taxes’ plan, which means you pay for bullshit technologies that greenwash fossil fuel companies and they keep paying no taxes.
That’s the Australien way.
We hope you enjoy this summit, and if it fails, don’t forget to thank Scotty from coal fondling and all of us here at the Australien Government. Allez-vous, ??? ??? ???. Yes, touch my ??? [we are a prick].
Authorized by the Department for Blah Blah Blah.
thejuicemedia (these guys are awesome!)
The transcript above was made with the help of Sonix, which did most of the donkey work for a tiny fee (I did have to spend some time tidying it up). Note that I do not have the copyright owner’s permission to publish this transcript here. I’ve investigated the copyright rules regarding transcriptions (more about that here), and one thing I’ve learned is that it’s no defense to make a disclaimer like “these aren’t my words, no copyright infringement intended.” However, I offer the transcription here as a service to society (especially the deaf community). I do hope the copyright owner won’t object. And I hope that you find this video as entertaining and/or interesting as I did.
OK, that’s the comedy skit done; so, what can we do?
Apart from trying to pressure our esteemed ‘leaders’ to actually get off their pompous behinds and do the right thing, there is quite a lot we can all do individually. One example was highlighted to me just the other day by the Ecology Building Society:
And to round things off, here’s a reminder of why we need to care:
And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to do some more preparatory work to ‘remove the trip from Madrid to Moscow and back from my bucket list‘, AKA ‘arrangements to ensure that my remains are not cremated after I’m gone’. (Could I perhaps persuade you to do likewise?)
Wibble 
Thank you Colin, my sentiments approximately exactly, give or take a bit. The take is, it’s too kind to my Prime Monster.
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I’ve watched enough thejuicemedia presentations to understand exactly where you’re coming from, Bob.
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If you listen to Jason Kenney, present dictator and Premier of Alberta, we need more coal, and more oil and gas, to be able to afford the salary he is paying himself and his henchmen. The only reason our healthcare is failing is because he is wasting all our tax money on increasing global warming. But he says he cares about Albertans. This is why our Covid rates are the highest in Canada, because he is an irresponsible idiot.
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It sounds like, as with many politicians, he’s being economical with the truth. It’s clear he cares about some Albertans (as in ‘himself and his henchmen’).
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Though I don’t know about Australia’s ruling politicians’ religious beliefs (if any), I believe there’s a potentially serious problem that, for whatever reason, goes basically unmentioned by the mainstream media: that of theologically-inclined people who get into high office with their dangerous disregard — or even contempt — for the natural environment.
For example, many of Canada’s leading conservative politicians, not to mention our previous prime minister (i.e. Stephen Harper, close friend to Postmedia’s then-CEO Paul Godfrey), are/were ideologically aligned with the pro-fossil-fuel mainstream American Evangelical community and Republican Party.
Another example is Brazil’s Evangelical president Jair Bolsonaro, who theocratically declared two summers ago, in the midst of unprecedented Amazonian rainforest wildfire (home to a third of all known terrestrial plant, animal and insect species), that his presidency (and, I presume, all of the environmental damage he inflicts while in high office) was “fulfilling a mission from God”. What matters most to Bolsonaro is the creation of jobs, however limited or temporary, and economic stimulation, however intangible the concept when compared to the grand-scale, consequential environmental destruction.
There’s a general belief held by Bible-following Christianity, that to defend the natural environment, even from the world’s greatest polluters, is to go against God’s will and therefore is inherently evil. Some among them likely credit the bone-dry-vegetation areas uncontrollably burning (notably California), along with global warming, to some divine wrath upon collective humankind’s sinfulness.
(P.S. I don’t blame Christ-ianity for this, not in the least. I cannot at all see Jesus condoning or being silent about the big fossil fuel business nor the immense environmental and human-health damage it causes. Rather, it’s the money-minded theocrats who misinterpret or plainly misrepresent themselves as being Christian that are the problem. Jesus must be spinning in heaven knowing what atrocities have been connected with the faith.)
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[I edited your comment here to remove the last sentence of the second paragraph as it was essentially repeated in the penultimate paragraph – hope you don’t mind.]
I completely agree with you, fgsjr. It’s one of the reasons why I’m an atheist. Although I know many christians who are good people, there are far too many bible-thumpers who unthinkingly place their trust in the magical sky fairy who has a ‘grand plan’, can do no wrong, and has ‘promised never to flood the Earth again’ (or some such). Boy, are they all in for a surprise.
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Some of the best humanitarians I’ve met or heard about were/are atheists or agnostics who would make better examples of many of Christ’s teachings than too many institutional Christians, i.e. those most resistant to Christ’s fundamental teachings of compassion and non-wealth. Conversely, some of the worst human(e) beings I’ve met or heard about are the most devout practitioners of institutional Christian theology.
Meanwhile, it seems that when a public person openly fantasizes about world peace, a guaranteed minimum income and/or a clean global environment, many ‘Christians’ reactively presume he/she must therefore be Godless thus evil or, far worse, a socialist.
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Ah, yes, ‘socialism’. A word that far too few USAns actually understand the meaning of, while claiming to do so in knee-jerk fashion reminiscent of brainwashed reds-under-the-bed-fearing morons the world over. ‘Socialism’? That’s exactly the same as ‘communism’, no? Uh, no, no, actually, it’s not, you retard. Go get educated.
Sorry. You hit a nerve.
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And that knee-jerk reaction reminiscent of the brainwashed reds-under-the-bed-fearing morons (Useful Idiots?) is quite convenient for the virtual corpocratic state. …
Unlike a few social/labor revolutions of the past, notably the Bolshevik and French revolutions, it seems to me that big business and the superfluously wealthy essentially have the police and military ready to foremost protect mega power and money interests, even over the environmental-stability needs of the protesting masses.
I can imagine that there are/were lessons learned from them — a figurative How to Hinder Progressive Revolutions 101, perhaps? — with the clarity of hindsight by big power and money interests. The police and military can claim they must bust heads to maintain law and order as a priority; thus the absurdly unjust inequities and inequalities can persist.
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Personally I think we’re all doomed. We need to drastically cut carbon emissions immediately, but the people at the top are more interested in lining their pockets than bringing any real effective change. By the time they realise their mistake, it will be far too late to do anything.
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I think you may be right. But it’s not just the pocket-lining that’s the issue, ‘Those In Power’ just don’t have any balls, either. Here in the UK, we’ve just had our government refuse to do anything realistic about the problem of raw sewage being dumped into our waterways and coasts. I wrote to my MP expressing my disgust, and in his response he admitted that it’s a problem that, as he put it, “successive governments have put in the ‘too difficult’ box”. The Conservative government has been in control for more than a decade, and indeed for about 70% of the last half century. If kicking the can down the road is how they ‘deal with’ what should be a no-brainer like acting to prevent shit being dumped into the environment, then it’s pretty much a foregone conclusion that the climate crisis will be consigned to the ‘too difficult’ box as well.
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[Hanging my head in shame] My Government is an embarrassment and I really hope I am right that the media hide the real truth about how the Aussie public feel about Scotty from Marketing. We have this decade alone to preserve the future of thousands of species – including our own. Short term profits will not save us from catastrophe! Write to your local member asap to pressure them, Australians!!! btw Love the Danish way of writing Australia (Australien)
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The Juice Media focusses on Australia simply because that’s where they are (but note how in this presentation they had good digs at other regimes too!)
I think we all need to be ashamed of our respective governments. I for one am ashamed of the farcical, corrupt, sleazy nature of the one we have here in the UK.
I write to my MP quite a lot in protest, but my concerns are whitewashed and ignored. I think the root of the problem may simply be that Those In Power (wherever they may be, all over the planet), have mastered the art of keeping just enough people happy with the status quo to enable them to maintain control. And we’re screwed because they’re all in cahoots: vote one lot out (where that’s even possible) and the ‘opposition’ continues the same play.
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Whether it is unprecedented wildfires due to unprecedented heat waves/domes, ‘stalling’ hurricanes, Europe’s wettest/hottest year on record, off-the-chart poor-air advisories, an exodus of sea life due to warming waters, the mass deforestation and incineration of the Amazonian rainforest, record-breaking floods, single-use plastics clogging life-bearing waters, a B.C. (2019) midsummer’s snowfall, the gradually dying endangered whale species or geologically invasive/destructive fracking or a myriad of other categories of large-scale toxic pollutant emissions and dumps — to date there clearly has been inexcusably insufficient political courage and will to properly act upon the cause-and-effect of manmade global warming thus climate change.
Neo-liberals and conservatives everywhere appear overly preoccupied with vociferously criticizing one another for their relatively trivial politics and diverting attention away from some of the planet’s greatest polluters, where it should and needs to be sharply focused. Granted, it appears to be conservatives who don’t mind polluting the planet most liberally.
Without doubt, mass addiction to fossil fuel products helps keep the average consumer quiet about the planet’s greatest polluter, lest they feel like and/or be publicly deemed hypocritical. It must be convenient for the industry. The industry and corporate-orientated governments can tell when a very large portion of the populace is too tired and worried about feeding/housing themselves or their family, and the devastation being left in COVID-19’s wake — all while on insufficient income — to criticize them for whatever environmental damage their policies cause/allow, particularly when not immediately observable. Indeed, I have not heard Greta’s name in the mainstream corporate news-media since Covid-19 hit.
As individual consumers, far too many people still recklessly behave as though throwing non-biodegradable garbage down a dark chute, or pollutants emitted out of exhaust and drainage pipes, or spewed from sky-high jet engines and very tall smoke stacks — or even the largest contamination events — can somehow be safely absorbed into the air, sea, and land (i.e. out of sight, out of mind); like we’re inconsequentially dispensing of that waste into a black-hole singularity, in which it’s compressed into nothing.
I really feel for the many bone-dry-vegetation areas planetwide uncontrollably burning. As a lifelong resident of southwestern B.C., the unprecedented heatwave here in late June, described by meteorologists as more of a ‘stalling heat dome’, left me feeling I could never again complain about the weather being too cold. …
I find hope, however, mostly in environmentally conscious and active young people, especially those approaching or reaching voting age. In contrast, the dinosaur electorate who have been voting into high office consecutive mass-pollution promoting or complicit/complacent governments for decades are gradually dying off thus making way for voters who fully support a healthy Earth thus populace.
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Thanks very much for your contribution, ‘fgsjr’ (how do you pronounce that?). I hope that you’re right that the youngsters can turn the tide, but I fear that they have a long uphill battle ahead of them. All an old fogey like me can do is the best I can to assist them on that journey.
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‘Fgsjr’ represents my identity, Frank G. Sterle Jr. …
Unlike today’s children, I, 54 years old, don’t have to face so many potentially bleak decades of extreme weather and its consequences.
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Glad to meet you, Frank (good name, that). I myself ‘arrived’ a few years earlier than you; we’re pretty much in the same boat (as, indeed, we all are, though some plant flags on patches of land and don’t stick their noses outside it much except to go on holiday, or wage wars).
About the ‘bleak decades’, though: exponential growth has a habit of sneaking up on one. The consequences of the collective actions of homo fatuus brutus may well bite us in the behind much sooner than most think possible.
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Lovely representation. Thank you 😊🌍
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Thank you for the lovely comment :)
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You are welcome!
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