If I ruled the world

Many thanks for their invaluable feedback in development of this bloggling to my dear friend Pat, Dwight Towers from Dwight Towers, Wendy from The Igloo, Martin from Mum’s Womb (Not a Box), Martin from Lack of Environment, Jenn of That’s a Jenn Story — and special thanks to Paul Handover from Learning from Dogs for persuading me that I needed some form of introduction to this piece.

* cough *

I would ask you, Dear Reader, to imagine, if you will, that I have been declared King of our poor beleaguered planet. Laughable, isn’t it? Yes… no, it’s fine, don’t worry: I won’t have you subjected to the comfy chair for your impertinence. Not yet, anyway.

“Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”

Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Wizard of Oz – If I Were King of the Forest

As King of Planet Eaarth, I hereby decree:

  1. The ten current wealthiest folk on the planet shall smilingly donate one half of their total wealth into the Planetary Fund for Justice (PFJ†). (Reasoning: the wealth inequity obscenity.)
    1. When the PFJ needs more money: goto (1).
  2. The PFJ shall be used primarily for the following purposes:
    1. To provide facilities to soften the blow for anyone affected, directly or indirectly, by these decrees, including, where appropriate:
      1. counselling
      2. skills retraining
      3. rehousing/ relocation
    2. To educate the citizens of the planet in the realities facing us all, to wit:
      1. global human population explosion
      2. global resource depletion
      3. global anthropogenic climate disruption (ACD)
    3. To begin the task of eradicating injustice from our planet and bring real meaning to the term ‘human rights’ – for all humans; not just the lucky few selected by random chance according to their place of birth.
  3. The felling of any mature, healthy tree, anywhere, shall henceforth be a capital offence. Offenders’ corpses shall be ground up and used for tree food.
  4. If it should ever happen that Earth Overshoot Day (EOD) in any year is determined to occur later in the year than the previous year’s EOD, a global day of rejoicing shall be proclaimed on that day.
  5. Henceforth, ecocide is declared to be the Fifth Crime Against Peace.
  6. Any rights held by corporations that suggest they are ‘persons’ are rescinded forthwith. The law governing corporations shall be amended such that no corporation in future can be accused of having psychopathic tendencies (see for instance: The Corporation.)
  7. Long-term flood planning shall begin:
    1. All construction on flood plains shall cease forthwith.
    2. The practise of insuring structures on flood plains shall cease forthwith.
  8. All professional news media shall abide by the following until further notice:
    1. Fully one half of all publications shall be devoted to the task of publicising the realities of the current crises.
    2. All television programming shall alternate their normal scheduling with educational broadcasts of equal time.
    3. The lecture ‘Arithmetic, Population and Energy‘ shall be shown daily on every channel in the land.
  9. All those wishing to stand for public office must first demonstrate that they understand why Dr Albert A. Bartlett said “The greatest shortcoming of the human race is our inability to understand the exponential function.”
  10. All those using the term ‘economic growth’ with a straight face shall be mercilessly pilloried for each offence. (Reasoning: Limits to Growth.)
    1. Persistent offenders shall be placed in stocks in high-traffic (pedestrian) areas for a period commensurate with their unwillingness to face reality.
    2. Passers-by will be offered free rotten fruit.
  11. Anyone implementing rules in the name of ‘government’ shall be subject to summary dismissal where their actions fly in the face of scientific evidence — in such situations any back pay owed, and all pension rights accrued, shall be redirected to the PFJ.
  12. ‘None Of The Above’ (NOTA) shall henceforth be a valid vote option in any democratic election process. If a vote for NOTA succeeds:
    1. The two runners-up shall form an interim coalition government whose primary task is mandated to determine:
      1. the reasons for a majority of the electorate to be dissatisfied with the candidate choices offered them
      2. what the candidates need to change about themselves to become more appealing to the electorate
      3. whether any changes need to be made to the electoral system to make NOTA a less likely result
    2. Further elections shall continue at the rate of no less than once every year until this pestilential flaw in the democratic process has been eradicated.
  13. Because it is vitally important to reduce our carbon emissions, all energy generation from fossil fuels shall cease as soon as possible:
    1. Any and all subsidies to fossil fuel industries shall cease forthwith.
    2. Any and all profits generated by these industries shall be paid to the PFJ.
    3. The price charged for energy derived from fossil fuels shall increase by 14% every year (ie these prices shall double every five years).
  14. The murder lottery known as ‘nuclear power’ shall be phased out:
    1. ‘Agreement WHA 12.40’ is rescinded forthwith. The International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) shall no longer have the power to muzzle the World Health Organization (WHO) in the field of ionizing radiation.
    2. Work on all development of nuclear power stations on ground below six metres above sea level shall cease forthwith.
    3. Planning to decommission all existing nuclear power stations on such ground shall begin forthwith. As the true costs of these decommissions become clear, this shall be used to inform the people as to the true cost of what was once billed as ‘energy too cheap to meter’.
    4. Studies shall be undertaken to determine whether six metres is an adequate safety margin to prevent such facilities being inundated by rising seas (or tsunamis) during their anticipated lifetimes.
  15. Those who become members of the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement (VHEMT) shall be entitled to enjoy an income tax rebate of 10% in every year during which they continue membership.
  16. Judges shall be encouraged to hand out Judicial Penny Fine (JPF‡) sentences.
    1. A JPF is one penny on the day of sentencing.
    2. Thereafter, the fine doubles for every day it remains unpaid.
    3. Should a recipient of a JPF be unable to pay the fine, he or she shall be required to watch ‘Arithmetic, Population and Energy‘ once a day for the rest of his or her natural life, or until the end of all life on Eaarth (whichever comes first).
Monty Python – Life of Brian – PFJ Splitters

† About the PFJ‡: Those lurkers who are fans of Monty Python’s ‘Life of Brian’ may be excused for misinterpreting the abbreviations ‘PFJ’ and ‘JPF’. My original name for the ‘Planetary Fund for Justice’ was ‘Planetary Rescue Fund’, but once I abbreviated that and saw that a small change could inject a little humour, I simply couldn’t resist…

Not to be confused with the grumpy JPF (splitters).

About peNdantry

Phlyarologist (part-time) and pendant. Campaigner for action against anthropogenic global warming (AGW) and injustice in all its forms. Humanist, atheist, notoftenpist. Wannabe poet, writer and astronaut.
This entry was posted in ... wait, what?, Communication, Core thought, Drama, Phlyarology, Strategy and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to If I ruled the world

  1. Just fabulous! Want to read it again more slowly and thoroughly because the rulings you, noble King, proclaim are wise rulings indeed.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Eric Alagan says:

    You have my vote – where do I put the “X”

    Oops! You’re already King of the World! Okay, when re election comes around – where do I place my “X”

    Liked by 1 person

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  4. penpusherpen says:

    Flippety flip, am I too late to vote for you? Ah well, ‘X’ marks the spot. It’s the thought wot counts. innit? xPenx


    • pendantry says:

      Blast. I really must get around to writing that post I’ve been meaning to, in which I’ll wibble on at length about how the front pages of blogs need not be any more relevant than any other ones. (I view it as a strength of the medium, not a weakness, myself; though others, brought up on print media, seem unable to grok the idea.)


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  7. msjadeli says:

    100% in favor

    Liked by 1 person

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  10. The Igloo and Lack of Environment (links form the first paragraph) might no longer work as intended.
    Point 4 – link 404
    Point 5 – not found. OK, you might want to take a look at all these links.
    Educational TV programming… Ah, I almost forgot that used to be a thing!

    Liked by 1 person

    • peNdantry says:

      Thanks for the heads-up, Goldie! I’ve fixed all the problems here (for now, at least), and I’ve at last caught up with the backlog of your reports in the last few weeks. I’ve been tallying them; I owe you four, now.

      I’m very conscious of the fact that I’ve not had time of late to ‘raid’ the sites of our fellow 💥 ?Random Raiders! 💥… and would like to ask you a favour regarding the credit karma you’ve accrued on Wibble: would you object if I were to ‘pay it forward’ to other members?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Of course not!

        As previously mentioned – I just do that out of the goodness of my own heart (doesn’t sound contrived at all) and don’t expect anything in return. If anything, I can just quit doing it. However, I really do appreciate you being conscious about it and checking in with me. Go forth and prosper! (And if you choose to make some new friends by raiding some of my members posts, even better.)

        Liked by 1 person

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