How to make your great-grandchildren glow

  1. Acquire ever more new energy-guzzling gadgets: bigger and better fridges, freezers, fridge-freezers, mini-bars, televisions (in every room, naturally, more if you have space for them), video players, DVD players, cookers, microwave ovens, toasters, washing machines, vacuum cleaners, mobile phones, digital cameras, handheld computer games, coffee percolators, electric kettles, electric blankets, foot spas, bread-makers, candlestick-makers.
  2. Make an extra effort to seek out the gadgets that have ‘standby’ mode so you can feel good about turning them off, even when you haven’t really.
  3. Lobby the makers of widgets and gadgets to make more things with standby, because you’re always so short of time that you can’t wait another second for something to power up.
  4. Throw all the old devices away, even if they still work. Don’t donate them to charity, nor sell them on eBay, because that puts people out of gainful employment making all of the new ones.
  5. Now take another look around for all those widgets that can automatically do the simplest tasks that might give you even a tiny little extra exercise (you can always support your local gym instead, they appreciate the monthly fee even if you don’t go). Examples are: electric toothbrushes and razors, powered lawnmowers, strimmers and hedge-trimmers. Use your tumble dryer even when there’s a warm fresh breeze outside and the sun’s shining invitingly.
  6. VERY IMPORTANT: Never, ever, turn any of your machines off, especially when you’re not using them.
  7. Always leave all computers on all night, even though you / your business would save money on your energy bills by having a simple policy of turning them off when they’re not needed.
  8. Find excuses to leave as many lights on as possible, for as long as possible. For instance, always leave the light on the bedroom landing lit for little Johnny, who’s afraid of the dark, even though he’d soon get used to the darkness that humans lived quite happily with for millennia prior to the advent of the electric light bulb. Replace that dim 40-watt bulb with a nice bright 100-watt one (don’t buy the energy-saving kind, they’re much more expensive) in case little Johnny bumps his knee and you have to rush out to kiss it better. You need to see where you’re going in the middle of the night: you’re a human, not a bat.
  9. Listen to the nuclear power advocates when they tell you that the only viable solution to our spiralling energy demands is to build nuclear power stations. They’re clean. They’re perfectly safe. They’re not lying to you, not even a little bit. Why would they?
  10. Watch in awe as big businesses get immensely rich making these totally safe power plants, and then, once the question do we build them? has been decided and has drifted into a simple where do we build the next one?, marvel as one is erected in that pleasant bluebell woodland you used to look out into every morning when you opened the curtains – on the land they told you, when you bought your home, would never be built on.
  11. Ignore the fact that machinery always fails sometimes, and that 98% of statistics are made up on the spot. Statistics are just numbers. Don’t fret about the reality that although there might only be a fraction of a percentage chance of a single nuclear power station doing an imitation of Chernobyl, the more there are the greater is the risk that one of them will do, someday, somewhere. And maybe another will, the day after, when the region it sits in is taken over in a bloody military coup and all the safety engineers have wisely fled along with the rest of the refugees. The plants that do have problems almost certainly won’t go into meltdown; the ones that do probably won’t be anywhere near you; and even if there is a catastrophe in your neighbourhood then the wind will in all likelihood blow the fallout the other way.
  12. Don’t listen to the luddite anti-progress anarchists who try to claim that “a nuclear power station is a beast with no arsehole that costs the Earth to bury when it dies”. Such people threaten the very fabric of our society. Man is clever: even though he still hasn’t yet figured out how to dispose safely of the extremely toxic waste these power plants excrete, he will do, one day. And as for the fabulously expensive cost of decommissioning ancient power plants that are past the end of their life but are still running (even though their safety margins were exceeded twenty years before) because there’s simply no money to build a replacement just yet: that’s just another problem that can be left for your great-grandchildren to solve. They’ll have far more experience with living with nuclear power on their doorsteps than you. Besides, you’ll be dead by then anyway.

About pendantry

Phlyarologist (part-time) and pendant. Campaigner for action against anthropogenic global warming (AGW) and injustice in all its forms. Humanist, atheist, notoftenpist. Wannabe poet, writer and astronaut.
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